February 8, 2009
I should be sleeping now but instead I’m raking though Mind trying to find some answers that the medical professionals assigned to me should be providing me with.
I’m beginning to realise that I can’t hide behind this screen all the time; it’s an awkward shape and the wheels are wonky so the bloody thing doesn’t go in the direction I want it to, meaning that I have to keep jumping behind it. And on top of that, it’s that horrible pastel green colour that you find in hospitals. As if my ‘conditions’ aren’t exhausting enough.
So Mind has given me a bit more info than I’ve been able to suck out of the so-called medical professionals. Yes, I suffer from severe anxiety which causes all number of nasty physical manifestations including palpitations, sweating, chest pains, nausea, headaches, restricted (or in some cases, complete lack of) breathing and a huge sleep deficit; yes, my phobias include public, unfamiliar and enclosed spaces, people and occasionally mirrors; yes, I’m aware that walking about doing my thang is usually impeded by the fact that most of the time, my body doesn’t feel like it’s actually there – try walking down steps with feet that you don’t believe to be yours, it’s exciting; and yes, I’m acutely familiar with the fact that these things aren’t going away any time soon.
Doctors wonder why I’m so agitated and unwilling to show them the depth of things. Anxiety is merely the blackhead to my being and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone who considers me a ‘client’ go ahead and squeeze it. You’re not supposed to squeeze them anyway.
A friend told me to get out there and start trying to live again. The thought terrifies me to the extent that I don’t want to get out from under my duvet ever again. The only thing that outweighs this is that I don’t fancy having bedsores. So taking into consideration the suggestions made by my friend and other suggestions made by another friend – little steps – I’m going to do something that Mind has recommended, something that can help me on the way.
I don’t like this being public, but anyone who knows me and I mean really knows me will understand that it is public whether I like it or not because I spack out when I’m in public and behave erratically. It’s sometimes hard not to notice. And why should I be ashamed? Why should I hide? Mental health stigma is rife and I’m tired of being a victim of the politics towards difference… I almost wrote différance then, bit of Derrida leaking through like he does before disappearing…
So yes. The thing that Mind recommends. Focus on positive aspects of my life.
- I’m not afraid, or am becoming less afraid of being different
- I’m developing the courage to decide what I want, how I want it and when I want it, whether it be breakfast, my studies or my mental health treatment
- I have a loving cat who cuddles up to me every night
- I have a dysfunctional family, so I don’t feel like a complete freak
- I love the said dysfunctional family and they love me. And respect me, which I only found out recently
- For those who are my friends, they are good friends and they listen no matter what
- I have no material desire for anything because I already have everything I want
- My bed is uber-comfy
- I’m a good writer and I work hard to become better at being a good writer
- My passion for art and music makes me diverse and at peace with many things
- Books give me a good alternative to a world I don’t feel in contact with
- Nothing feels more incredible than achieving the things I’ve worked hard to achieve
- My diet is healthy and I have lost weight through sticking to it
- I’ve stopped smoking – this time for good
- I orgasm in my sleep. Regularly. I don’t have to do a thing. It’s great
- I live in one of the most naturally beautiful areas in Kent
- I live in a very quiet area
- People love my cooking; I make people happy with my cooking
- Even though I’m always really tired and have difficulty seeing it, I make the effort to build myself a future
- I’m stubborn. Which means I don’t quit
- My personas work well together and have been behaving very well over the past couple of months
- They have also become stronger and together we have taken steps to come to terms with a lot of external phenomena and started pushing back at the force that intends to erase us
- I’m fascinated by the worlds that I perceive and know that the be-all-and-end-all of medical science is not the be-all-and-end-all of me and my personas
- I’m proud to be an individual who questions, picks apart, scrutinizes and points a bitter finger at everything. I’m proud to be a Cynic
- Oh yeh, how can I forget? Women. They’re a very, very positive aspect in my life for many different reasons…
So there they are. Positive aspects of my life. The list is longer than I was expecting but who am I to complain? It’s a good list. Onto the next tiny step I go…
Oh and just a quick request: if anyone knows some really good pick-me-up foods/remedies, please tell me them. I can’t handle being this exhausted all the time. My diet is good, my sleep is broken most of the time and unfortunately, physical exercise sets me back a little at the moment. Think small steps people. I need energy food. I need some of the good stuff…