Solitary

I've been in two minds about writing this post. It's something I want to say but not in order to moan and berate. I'm going to say it because it means a lot to me, because I want to reverse it.

I'm socially isolated.

I rarely get to physically see my friends or my family because they live a long way from me and have pretty busy lives. I don't get to go out and build a social life because I have medical conditions which prevent me from living a full life, safely.

I have no control over those things. I can try to bridge the gaps where possible but I can't click my fingers and bring everyone I love into the same space, free up a few hours a week so I can see them, and then magically cure my conditions so that I can lead a socially active life.

Sorry if you're reading this and happen to be a great optimist, but the above scenario, where I alone make everything perfect, is unrealistic. I'm not a defeatist by any means. I'm just in touch with what's possible given my circumstances.

So I'm unable to make regular physical contact with those I love. The solution is social media, right? Kind of yes, kind of no.

Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, WordPress and any other social platform you can think of, are all brilliant tools. I use the first four regularly, connecting with people not just in my close social circle but also with other people across the world that I have never met. You're probably one of those very people, reading this now. Hi! How are you? Thanks for reading.

But social media, for me, falls short. Why?

It goes back to the people I'm closest to having busy lives. I wouldn't deny them that, though I would appreciate being spared a thought. Sometimes I go off radar and whilst I'm absent, I rarely get a message asking where I am and how I'm doing. It may not be the case but it often feels like nobody has noticed I'm not there.

That is isolating.

I try my utmost to keep in touch with friends each week when I'm able to. It's at least once a week, even if it's a quick comment on a Facebook update. It shows that I'm keeping track of my friend's movements and paying attention to their thoughts. When I'm not having a rough time with my health, I go all out and write an email or even better, I go Old Skool and write a letter. I'll also pick up the phone and call my sister, or arrange a Skype/phone call with a friend.

This is how I connect with people 90% of the time because I'm unable to do it physically. Even with my alternatives, I'm limited by my conditions. Talking for an hour on the phone is knackering, for example.

So what am I asking? For people to connect with me more often. I don't want to be socially isolated, even though social situations make me anxious, and I think this is pretty obvious in how I communicate with my family and friends, and how I blog openly and honestly. I reach out.

Please reach back.

And it's not just me. We're on the crux of the loneliest time of the year: Christmas.

The 2012 festive season will be an empty and miserable time for many people – those with no home, children with no parents, the elderly, the estranged, individuals who have lost their families. Last year, I made a donation to The Salvation Army so that someone would have the company, care and attention that they deserve. And even though my finances are tight, I will be doing it again.

It doesn't take a great deal to keep in touch with someone. A few minutes out of the day to send a message. Arrange a phone call. Write back. Doing one of those things for me will make the difference between a week where I start to believe that I'm the most insignificant person on earth, making my depression worse, and a week where I think

I am not forgotten. My friends still think of me even though I can't do the normal thing and go out for socials with them. My friends acknowledge and respect that I live with a complex tapestry of illnesses.

Props to those of you who who do tweet and message me. Extra credit for reading my thoughts! You help me feel so much better and a lot less isolated.

Photo courtesy of takethea

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Wake up

My last two posts have been gloomy. Life is hard to live sometimes and I often question why that is and whether I'd have better luck in a different life.

I had a terrible time during my yoga class today. I couldn't focus and I ended up crying through most of it because I was convinced I needed to get out, escape. Run away and not come back. But it wasn't the yoga I was running from. It was me.

So I come home and eat junk instead of taking care of myself and intermittently weep when I get that urge to run again. And then I find that a post I wrote for Tiny Buddha a few weeks back, when it was sunny and I was getting burnt, has been published on the site, and people have responded really well to it. There's a lot of gratitude going on.

I cry again but with sobs this time. Feeling so crushed and then being propped up by complete strangers is the ultimate in vulnerability and has helped restore some of my emotional strength.

If you're one of the kind folk who commented and are reading this now, you made a real difference to my day. I'm so grateful.

I don't know how long I'll be in this state for. It could end tomorrow or next week. It could end when Autumn hits because I'm generally happier when the nights are longer. I don't think it matters in the end. I'll carry on living and feeling whatever I feel.

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