July 20, 2012
My last two posts have been gloomy. Life is hard to live sometimes and I often question why that is and whether I'd have better luck in a different life.
I had a terrible time during my yoga class today. I couldn't focus and I ended up crying through most of it because I was convinced I needed to get out, escape. Run away and not come back. But it wasn't the yoga I was running from. It was me.
So I come home and eat junk instead of taking care of myself and intermittently weep when I get that urge to run again. And then I find that a post I wrote for Tiny Buddha a few weeks back, when it was sunny and I was getting burnt, has been published on the site, and people have responded really well to it. There's a lot of gratitude going on.
I cry again but with sobs this time. Feeling so crushed and then being propped up by complete strangers is the ultimate in vulnerability and has helped restore some of my emotional strength.
If you're one of the kind folk who commented and are reading this now, you made a real difference to my day. I'm so grateful.
I don't know how long I'll be in this state for. It could end tomorrow or next week. It could end when Autumn hits because I'm generally happier when the nights are longer. I don't think it matters in the end. I'll carry on living and feeling whatever I feel.
July 17, 2012
Nothing excites me anymore, at least nothing I can call to mind. All the things I used to revel in and look forward to have turned to drudgery and boredom.
Three weeks of depression and I'm ready to throw the whole damn lot in the river and then follow it.